Wish this phase just travels long
With no boundaries to hurdle through
Or a deadline to numb your mind
Just let the Buterflies fly through
Tickle your heart and soul a little more
The feet running through cold water
That makes you flowing through every situation
Your eyes waving here and there in search of the same sign
The same tiny gesture that forces you to hold on
Hold on till eternity
Hold on even if nothing fruitful emerges
Hold on though you feel you are not worth the smile
Though you dont match the charm
Clung, though you know, you are not even near the tender heart
Still a thought flashes through your mind
It says that I have a heart, I have a pure heart
That beats for you and it is the only part worth you!!!
Monthly Archives: April 2008
Wish this phase just travels long
When you have just finished your basic education (not primary but degree), you surely feel free. Freedom, independence are all new words. And you are so very excited to explore the Meaning of such words…..that you actually become like a donkey that has just run loose from the ties that his master tied. Not even able to run far, and standing still in the rain…..like nothing has changed at all.
But I am sure I would never curse my time at school or at the University. It has surely shown me the path required to move up in life. (Remember the Ladder that the sarcastic professors gave sermons on). Anyway these so called non stop “Bhashans” all the philosophical fundas do help you sometimes in life
With the professional course-electronics and telecommunication engineering-in my pocket, it was not difficult for me to get a campus placement. Also being the star of the campus…..with the total dadagiri in style and girls craving around to have a glimpse of you….the teachers happy with the decent enough score card…there was a great impression, that “This guy Avinash, is surely going to make some good for himself, and is for sure gonna go places” ( These places I have never understood….I still wonder am I soo very intelligent…..Gosh!!! May be I will step on the moon or Mars someday…haha). But one thing is for sure however bright and brainy you may be, once you are out in the world…to face it for yourself, your confidence would surely dance creepily. But still the optimist that I am, I was sure I will rock the floor and emerge as a true fighter. (Wow….what an ultimate dialogue). The first day at work was good. The manager explaining every nook of the job, he made me visit every part of the firm so that I felt, kind of, at home (which never can be). But yes, this was a new experience and I was as excited as I could be in life. What else would you ask for in life? But one day you need to get out of the fairytale and wake up from your dream. It was not even three months, and I was face to face with the worst attribute of the corporate-Politics. The very thought of being fake, never crept in my mind. But I could see it so well here.
It always has to start with one grueling thing….Vitamin M. With the kind of dedication I showed and the die hard workaholic that I am, I was sure I will be permanent here (coz the first three months were on probation) and then also may be within some months could move up the ladder (as said before). But I did sense that there was some extreme problem. Some brutal plan against me. My work didn’t seem of any importance by now to my manager. The sweet guy that I was, I thought maybe there is something wrong with me alone. Behavior of people around me changed, I believed it was the changing season. But all hell broke when from the side of my ears I heard one of the trainees yelling at THE MANAGER “ Hey, I swear if you don’t kick that fellow out, that Avi baby out, you are done for it, your secrets would be an open book and the money that I spent on you should be back, follow BACK!” I was stunned, didn’t know what to do or what for should I be here. I mean I struggled all my life for a great career and here I was stoned by some guy, for being good, for being the efficient self. Is money all that they require? Is ethics no where in the broader picture? Or haven’t their teachers thought them to Live and Let live. The idea was to fight it out, fight the situation. I was at no fault, right?
The next few days were tiresome, They-the Earthlings trying to get rid of me, and I all alone, wanted to stick here, glued to the place. But what was the point. If I ever win the battle, still it would be lost. Would I be able to work at a place with such bitterness. I was done for it. One fine day I just gave up. The Avi that people praised was no where. He could not even stand for a cause that he felt for so much. Could not even save his own food. A loser a loser was what I was. I lacked the skills, the tactics, the kind of attitude required. The true pseudo professionalism failed before my principles. I had to change, change my self, coz I had to live. Live my life again.
Again the search for a perfect job began, “vacancy here” tags made me happy. Got a job after much effort. But this time, I lost the true Me. I am still Avinash, but the modeled form. The perfect corporate material. It seems diplomacy is in my blood now. Chaplusi is what runs down my veins, and hypocrisy always on my face. I am still happy, happy that I have everything required-food, shelter, clothing…along with a great job. But what I miss the most is Myself. I crave to return back to my own persona, but the so called MNC Syndrome is like a Dementor that has sucked my soul from me, just to leave back a heartless corpse. It is like I am stuck in a cobweb, you can’t untangle it, coz if you do, it would be difficult to survive. I wanted my career to walk hand in hand with the principles and ideas that I believe in, but hypocrisy and diplomacy is what it asks for. It is like “Home is where the heart is!” But now the phrase reads as “Heart is where the money is!”
I am not getting a perfect start for this post of mine. It may be due to the constant irritable thought process (or whatever you may call it). I woke up early today, very early I say…..not as usual for padhai…but it was Ashu’s b’day today yeeeeeeee. So we (thats we crazzzzy three…me, sabz and smi) planned to go to her place by 7 am to surprise her. Thought of boarding the usual train that I used to take while in college days. It used to be at 6.15. But you see, since the train timings change every six months here, there was no trace of the same old gold train. (But that doesn’t mean I would be disappointed and walk back home) I did get into some train which for a very pleasant change was damn empty. This is usually like heaven to my eyes. But I dint opt the seat today, just stood by the doorside….surely not on the footboard…not my cuppa tea. The train moved….
The first sign of breeze hit me….it was cool very cool….then it was the wind and the storm. I could hear this sound…..not the noise but the music. It waved….from light to hard thuds. My skin could feel the carnatic waves….some violin soothing my ears. My hair danced wildly. Surely it was not the mild Hindi..they were rock..hard rock music. My eyelids couldn’t open well. Maybe just couldn’t close completely. It sounded like the thalathu…the song that my granny used to sing for me when I was a kid…..to put me off to sleep. The rings in my ears….were the cutest…hitting me as bells…reminding me a fusion of carnatic, hindustani and aslo Bollywood. It was music in all its forms. This may be just a thought, but it sounds Life to me.
There are strings in your soul,
You are yet to listen to them.